so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think I am morally bankrupt
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
