just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
