Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
