btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
