just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My vagina just recognized that song.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
