So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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