how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
