That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND