Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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