i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
