well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
