I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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