what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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