I've blown a few things in my day
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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