I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
