guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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