the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The air was thick with penises
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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