The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
