My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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