after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
