If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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