I only kidnapped one of them. chill
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
