We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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