he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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