I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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