Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
