Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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