Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
