I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
