She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The power of my boobs compel you
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
