well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
