sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize