I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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