i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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