I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
