Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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