So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
