i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
