Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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