Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
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Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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