Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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