I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
