Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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