Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
