I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
