I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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