He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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