I'm drive I can fine osifer
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
