I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
