can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
