My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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