Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
