her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
